Sunday, February 28, 2010

Goodnight, sleep tight, don't let the stink bugs bite

When the end of the world comes, the cockroach might not be the only species left to roam the planet. Don't discount the brown marmorated stink bug. Those things just won't go away.

We're in the waning days of winter and still, these little suckers are skulking around the bathroom, crawling out of sock drawers and clinging to bedspreads. Even when I don't acknowledge their presence on a brush or in the shower, one always dive-bombs at bedtime while I'm reading beneath a solitary light.

They loiter in our bedroom and cluster in my office -- sometimes I feel like they're stalking me -- like the one I spied at a friend's house last week. It was trudging across the crown molding like a lone explorer traversing a span of desert or a sheet of arctic ice.

When I encountered our first stink bug clan last winter, I thought they were interesting, even friendly, in an entomologic kind of way. Back then I didn't peg them as the house guests who never leave. Or have the decency to die.

Websites are cagey about the life span, but a few claim that the marmorated stink bug can live for years. They're the Bob Hope of the bug world.

I'm happy to report that Hadley has suppressed her urge to eat them off the floor. Now she needs to "save" them by setting them free. Unfortunately in transit, she pinches them between her fingers -- dispatching the bug she intended to save, while unleashing a rancid stench that lingers for hours.

In springtime I hope these armor-plated insects heed the grumble in their stomachs and seek sustenance outdoors. Until then, stay out of my hairbrush and stop stinking up the place!

Monday, February 22, 2010

Weekend escape

Sunday morning, circa 1970-something: Mom and Dad are propped up in bed, quilted in newspaper sections. Inserts and weekend circulars litter the carpet on Dad's side. Mom’s working her way through the A-section – occasionally reading out loud -- while Dad speeds through business and sports. Coffee mugs teeter bedside along with toast remains – scorched crusts from our incinerating toaster oven. I crowd the south end of the bed, studying the comics before embossing Snoopy and his doghouse onto a flattened wedge of silly-putty.

Sunday morning, February 2010: Swap Martin and me for my mom and dad. Then subtract the newspaper, coffee and toast. Add another kid...then remove both boy and girl as they thump to the floor and disappear to worship cartoon network.

We're lingering amidst a pile of pillows even though it's late morning and the horses are surely circling their stalls, manufacturing more manure by the minute. What awaits downstairs is even more daunting -- an oil spill of toys and a deafening tv; someone has discovered the volume button on the remote control. And Martin has fessed up to one tactical error: early in the morning when he turned on the TV, he offered Hadley a bowl of cereal. With milk. I imagine the couch, polka-dotted with soggy Cherrios.

Still, neither of us budge from the rumpled bed. Instead Martin consults a manual. “I need four red ones.”

“Square or rectangular?"

“Square.”

I paw through a mound of Lego shards; hundreds of glossy blocks clatter together like shattered glass.

A half hour earlier, the Boy deposited his box of Legos as a peace offering at the end of our bed. Then he vanished. Now Martin and I are constructing a house for no one but ourselves. On the astroturf-colored foundation, we snap together blue and white walls, add two windows ("good cross ventilation," Martin notes), a front door and red, blocky shingles.

"What the hell is that?" I ask. "That gang plank jutting out of the roof?"

Martin studies the diagram and his construction. “I think it’s supposed to connect with a garage but the house takes up too much space."

We need to put the lid on the tupperware and face the chaos. Venture through the mud and snow melt and feed the cats, the horses and the dog. And dress the kids. But it’s easier to stay in bed and build our Lego house. A bright, colorful, Cheerios-free zone, where vacuuming and laundry will never exist. With windows and good cross ventilation.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

"I shouldn't be alive"

These are Martin's words after a recent dog retrieval mission.

A little dramatic in my opinion. Then again, I wasn't clawing my way through waist-deep snow drifts in the dark. (But if I had been, I would have worn gloves and snowpants....)

Judging from blog entries, it appears as though Maisie rarely embarks on a great adventure. But in fact, that dog runs away all the time.

All. The. Time.

Minding Maisie is like having a third kid. Worse, actually. At least the kids stay put when we tell them to.

Despite her frequent disappearing acts, we haven't purchased a GPS dog tracking system. They're super expensive and effectiveness is questionable. And an underground fence is out of the question until springtime.

So Martin and I either tie up Maisie or keep an eye on her -- methods that fail daily. The dog is like a ghost. One minute she's snapping her teeth at a horse's heels or snuffling up cat food, and the next she's gone, out of sight and ear-shot.

Recently however, Maisie's been grounded -- thanks to the snow barrier blocking her escape. Even she can't run long distance through 3 feet of snow, so instead she sprints up the plowed drive and runs home again. It's been a relief.

But Monday I made a horrific discovery: the dog was in ghost mode again. Thawing and freezing created a nice crusty top layer, substantial enough to hold a 29-pound dog. Whereas we still plunged into knee- or hip-high snow.

Martin announced that Maisie retrieval down by the river was not only impossible, but "sheer lunacy." The gator was undriveable and we'd never make it on foot. Maisie would eventually come home when she was hungry.

But you can never underestimate the power of worrying. By nightfall Martin realized that forging through snow drifts was less daunting than my constant fretting. At 7 he clomped out into the darkness.

Thirty minutes later he phoned in a report: "I'm barely past the back field. This is impossible."

"So you haven't found her yet?"

"No, I want you to understand that I can barely move!"

"Is that your way of saying that you're giving up? You're not coming home without her, are you?"

pause

"No."

Fifteen minutes later Martin reported that he found the dog...and now he was going to kill her. "I was nearly buried alive," he announced. "I could have been trapped and you wouldn't have been able to get me out."

"I would have called 911," I told him. "After you got the dog."

Eventually one surly husband appeared with a cheerful Border Collie -- gleeful that once again, the big guy had found her. Another successful jaunt.

I'd like to say that we won't let Maisie escape or that she won't bolt again. But it's only a matter of time.

I just hope it's after the snow melts.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Dad moves again

They're calling for snow so it's a perfect day to load Dad up and cart him to another facility.

Dad's last move, from nursing home to hospital, coincided with the biggest snowstorm on record. This time we're only expecting a few inches and he'll be transported by ambulance. Still, Mom has to see him off and tail the ambulance to the next medical facility.

Dad's been in limbo for a while, ever since he dismantled the nursing home alarm system, hit a kindly maintenance worker, and chucked a nurse's cell phone across the room.

Oddly enough, it was the less offensive act -- the phone abuse -- that landed him in a hospital pysche ward. And that's where he's been while nurses tinker with his meds to rein in his paranoia.

You'd never know about the psyche ward unless you visited someone there. It's tucked away on the top floor, beyond the cheery labor-and-delivery wing and the somber ICU. On the elevator, fathers clutching new baby seats are too dazed to wonder what's above. But the hospital staff know. When I illuminate the number 7 button, a nurse glances over and looks me up and down.

What sets this floor apart are the doors. They're thick, steel-lined and double-bolted -- designed for abuse. They've probably seen their share of it. Beyond the nurse's station it looks a little like a community center -- a really crappy, underfunded community center. There's a magazine rack, boldly labeled "magazine rack" but the slots are empty. There's a sign taped to it that says, "magazines have been discontinued; sorry for the inconvenience." I can't help but wonder what kind of threat periodicals pose.

Stark hospital rooms are standard fare but up on 7, they're stripped down to just a bed and chair. No TV, no artwork, no wipe board with a bubbly note from the nurse on duty. Nothing that a patient can damage or arm themselves with. Just two stubby nozzles jutting out of the wall: one says "oxygen" and the other, "valium." They look old and unused. Probably phased out by pills and shots.

The patients move up and down the halls with an odd freedom. They aren't slowed by wheelchairs or grounded by IV stands. They look too healthy to be hospitalized. Until they say something. Initially, I couldn't distinguish patient from visitor -- some wear clothes instead of hospital gowns. I had check their wrists for hospital bands.

But sit around for 15 minutes and you can ID every patient. Even the band-less, pear-shaped man who talks with an affable smile and a conspiring tone -- as if we're the only sane people in a sea of crazies. It's his eyes that give him away. While he talks he watches the door. And I know why: after it buzzes open, there's a delay before the locks snaps home again. But he's escaped before so the nurses make him stand back.

The real blow is that Dad is the troublemaker on the ward -- resisting medication and fighting treatment -- being "noncompliant" in nurse-speak. Using pens as weapons and striking out. It's a bad scene when security is called and they knock him down with a shot. Though it's not his fault. "We're used to high functioning psyche patients," a nurse says apologetically. And that really depresses me. Even on the psyche ward, Dad's at the bottom of the pack.

But there is hope with the next hospital. It's better staffed and more experienced with Dad's kind of dementia. They're even conducting some studies and research. They told Mom to expect Dad to stay for 19 days. Then maybe he can return to the nursing facility. Who knows. Limbo continues.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Pioneer kids

After a near week of being snowed in, I've often wondered how the pioneer families did it. How did they tackle chores -- feeding livestock, birthing calves, loading carts -- with the burden of children? I think I've found the answer.

They left them alone.

I'm not equating our rural property with a Little House on the Prairie western outpost. But certain tasks -- chaining and towing a vehicle, prying open a frozen barn door, and heaving hay and water over snow drifts -- are two-person jobs.

Fortunately, we have something that Ma and Pa Ingalls lacked: a Tivo-ed arsenal of Dora and Diego episodes.

When possible, Martin and I plan our excursions during the kids' should-be-napping time. Then we employ a backup system: usually a breadcrumb trail of Ritz crackers that leads to the TV. In most cases it stops them in their tracks and keeps them out of the knife drawer (see photo of toddlers captured in natural habitat after parental absence). Worst case scenario to date: a half-naked Hadley emerges outside in search of us.

Tonight, after my first full day at work and a dreadful commute home, the Big Rig got stuck in the frozen drive -- a normally straight path now plowed in the shape of an "S" around two snow drifts. The truck got stuck uphill, in the belly of the S.

I summoned Martin, who was in the house with the kids. In the dark we debated hitching Chitty and possibly entrapping both trucks. Or fixing the tractor's blown hydraulic hose and using it as the tow vehicle.

Ultimately, Martin miraculously unwedged Big Rig and it dropped to the bottom of the drive like a pinball in a machine. We left it there, where presumably our neighbors can squeeze by and try their luck with the S.

What were the kids doing in our absence? I don't know but I'm pretty sure it involved a nerf gun and a battery-deprived Star Wars light saber. At least they weren't wielding knives.

I'm sure this blog post disqualifies me for any Parent of the Year award. And it probably flags me for a visit from Child Protective Services. Well bring it on, CPS.

Good luck getting up the driveway!

Thursday, February 11, 2010

My kingdom for a snow fence

Mammoth snow drifts have formed in the sheep field, socking in our woolen herd without food or water. Fortunately, nothing stops our fearless shepherd from tending to his flock....



Of course the sheep -- in their infinite wisdom --immediately abandoned their shelter and fled all signs of assistance...and mired themselves in a 4-foot drift. Martin, the dog and I spent a good 20 minutes floundering and flailing in the drifts -- shouting and barking over the wind -- to drive those mentally-impaired sheep back to safety. (Here, Maisie surfs a snow drift that rivals the top of the fence and gate!)

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

A Decade's Worth of Snowfall in 5 Days

The moment I woke up, I knew it would be bad. It should have been brighter in our bedroom, but the light through the blinds was blue and muted. More snow, this time with high winds.

It hard to tell where Friday's blizzard ends and the new snow begins. What fell overnight erased all of our hard work -- painting over the plowing, the paths painstakingly worn down from house to barn. The gates dug out and cracked open. Every footprint filled in. We're back in the snow globe and closing in on 40 inches.

And that would fine if we could hunker down with two cabin-crazy kids. It's the chores that have become loathsome -- and solitary, now that Martin's back is injured. (He's on the couch in a drug-induced stupor. I know he's legitimately hurt, but the timing stinks.)

I'm sick of heaving full manure tubs over the fence. Smashing ice in water buckets. Forcing gates off their hinges. Wading through thigh-high snow to the sheep shed. Throwing down bale after bale of hay. I haven't even pondered plowing.
Admittedly, there are brief moments of satisfaction. Last night before the snow fell hard, I walked the dog and it was so peaceful. No planes, no cars, not even the echo of a train carting coal down the line. All I could hear was the crunch of snow, breathy animals and the distant tick of an electric fence pulsing away.

Afterward, I fed the horses an evening feast: a hot soupy meal of beet pulp topped with grain, apple peels and carrot bits. It was nice, listening to them slurp and munch with such vigor, in the glow of the barn lights.

But that was last night. And this is now. And it's time to muck stalls and shovel and plow. Right now I can't remember these days....

...when we're living this.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Stealth dog, stealth sheep




For Maisie, herding sheep in the snow is like herding boats in the ocean: half of your energy is wasted on treading water. Or plunging through snow banks, in this case.

But moving our little herd is a matter of necessity. Because those dopey sheep tamp down a tiny patch in the snow and refuse to move. Even when food and water is just 10 feet away, the sheep will not wade through the snow. Not without a little canine persuasion.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Breaking free

We managed to dig ourselves out of the farm and restore transportation....to some degree:

Saturday, February 6, 2010

30 Inches of Snow...So far


The last 14 hours have been a series of ups and downs.

Last night, the power cut out and returned a heart-clutching 8 times, but ultimately it hung in there. Before we went to bed -- around 1 am -- the dog and tractor fell silent. Martin shed his snow gear in the kitchen and announced that a bolt and screw had fallen off the plow attachment.

What followed was a fruitless half-hour searching for the rusty bolt -- one bolt -- amidst mountains of plowed snow. We gave up around 1:30.

In the morning Martin located replacement parts from another tractor attachment and plowing continued.
I mucked stalls, fed the sheep and cats while the kids took care of themselves. For a long time -- alone in the house. Both children survived...a broom did not. The house is littered with bristles.

Martin plowed a narrow passage all the way to the road. But shortly afterward a sand truck got stuck in the road by our drive. To free himself, the driver pushed a six foot-high wall of packed snow into the entrance of our drive. Shortly afterward, the tractor got stuck behind the barn. Big-time stuck.

Midday, I shoveled a paddock gate free, swam through thigh-high snow with an armful of hay, and led the horses out.


Two hours later, Martin dug out the tractor.


I think we're beaten.

Friday, February 5, 2010

A Strange, Scary Snow

Friday Night: The house has been quiet for a while. Kids are in bed, the TV's off and the dryer finally rumbled to a stop.

But outside is a scene of whirling white and lights and noise. Martin's hunkered over the tractor which rumbles up and down the drive, then loops around the telephone pole in the yard and roars toward the house. With it, there's a constant, ear-splitting litany of barks. Maisie's tractor herding reverberates off the barn and house -- I don't know how the kids sleep through that racket.

I'm out in the blowing snow as well, calling the horses into their stalls and chucking a flake of hay to each one. Around 9 o'clock, I throw a saddle and bridle on Chance, toss a blanket over his back, and force the pasture gate open against a pile of snow. Then I trudge toward the indoor arena, following the remnants of tire tracks that are rapidly vanishing.
Forging through a blizzard at night to ride a horse is absolute madness. But on a day when my father's behavior has landed him in a hospital psyche ward, riding in a snowstorm isn't so off-beat.

Aside from the hum of the arena lights and Chance's muffled footfalls in the dirt, it's peaceful inside. There's no wheelbarrow rattling with feed, or horses clattering down the aisle. No car doors slamming or people yelling. Every so often the wind pulls a ribbon of snow off the roof with a "whump," but otherwise it's silent.

By 10 pm, Chance is back in his stall, bundled up for the night, and a half-hour later Martin and I are in the kitchen, plotting our next move. The snow is piling up at an alarming rate -- there's almost 10 inches already and we're only 6 hours in. It'll be time to plow again around midnight.

And just then we're in the dark. The house powers down and after a few flickers, reluctantly shutters to life again. And off and on again. And again.

Losing power is almost a certainty -- but not yet. It's too damn early to be without heat and water.

So we frantically scurry around, stacking wood, cranking up the thermostat, and packing a cooler with snow, then milk and food from the fridge.

After that, there's nothing else to do but fire up the tractor, wince as the house powers down, and hope that it comes to life again.


The End of the World Cometh


Kind of awesome-looking, isn't it?

But is it really necessary to pummel other shoppers over a loaf of bread? Or pound on the glass door of the empty milk fridge like a deranged lunatic?
An empty beer fridge? Now that's different...
It's about to snow, commence panicking!

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

More canine capers

It's time for another installment of Hunter's dogs run amok.

Remember Tipi, of pill-popping fame? And Chessie, the ACL patient? 

When we last left our cast of characters in late December, Hunter was pumping Tipi full of peroxide to induce vomiting, while Chessie was scheduled to go under the knife. 

Fast forward to last weekend and Chessie was in the midst of post-op recovery -- restricted to brief, ambling walks while Tip was free to charge ahead.

You only need to glimpse at the picture above to know how this story goes. When Tipi bolted off, Hunter assumed she was pursuing a deer. But then Hunter spied the puffy black creature waddling toward Tipi, its tail in the air. And by then it was too late. The skunk blasted the dog twice.

In a strange way, I like the smell of skunk -- it reminds me of summer camp -- and occasionally I catch of whiff of skunky road kill near the farm. 

But Hunter informs me that I've never smelled it up close and that my road kill skunk is about as potent as a patch of petunias. At close range, latched to a dog's coat, skunk secretion is "gagging bad."

Hunter immediately whipped up a bath for Tipi. It seems that the time-honored tomato juice solution only masks the stunning stench. But with a little help from the internet, Hunter invented her own odor-cutting recipe: first, a 10-minute soak in baking soda, peroxide and dish washing soap, followed by a second round of Dawn. Then, a rinse with antiseptic mouthwash (in this case, citrus flavor).

Apparently, the concoction did the trick and Tipi no longer reeks, except at close range.

So dog owners, clip this recipe for your canine cook book. It's a keeper!

 



 




Monday, February 1, 2010

They look cute enough...

Apparently, the cats read my blog. The very same day that I complained about their lackluster mousing, Martin and I discovered mass carnage in the barn. In this case, the victims were birds and the cats left a bloody trail of wings and bones in the horses' stalls. 

Okay, so you guys aren't so useless. I get the message.